The Time of Silence: revisited
an old diary entry with commentary
I wrote this diary entry on the 12th May 2020, I recently rediscovered it and published it here. I’m now re-publishing with commentary to see if and how things have changed.
This is not how I thought this year would be, I’d planned holidays and festivals, trips to see friends in the UK and Europe, bought a newer car. And today the holidays are all cancelled and the car sits forlornly in the driveway.
I remember joking that it was all my fault, the hubris of thinking I could have adventures and drive a nice(r) car. Got my new passport in my new name too.
Introverted I may be but this enforced isolation has made depression and anxiety resurface and take over my life. The constant underlying worry of the virus, venturing outside makes it worse in some ways, remembering to keep distant, the subconscious suspicion – do they have it, best keep away.
I ended up discovering that I was slightly claustrophobic too, I could rarely wear a mask for long without anxiety wrapping itself around me, constricting my breathing.
Normally I’m a very tactile person, love hugs, and now there is zero contact with anyone. I’ve been single for 5 years and never felt lonely, but these last few weeks I have felt lonely and alone. I’d love to curl up on the sofa with a friend and listen to music or watch Netflix. But my company is the cat and she has sharp claws.
The enforced isolation really got to me, others had their loved ones to hug. I had my daughter, but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t what I so desperately needed in those months. Sitting close with a partner one, expressing your fears, allowing tears to fall as they may - these things are not the same with anyone else.
I watched a YouTube video by Mayim Bialik where she expressed it as – introverts desire alone time, yet we daily interact with people. In normal times. Now we don’t have that interaction so there is no differences. No dark to help us appreciate the light.
This - the contrast.
Today began, as always, with fresh coffee. It’s a work day so when my watch buzzes at 8am I move from my coffee space to my work space. At 4pm I move from my work space to my relaxing space. I have tried to, at least mentally, divide my home so there’s at least some change between work and play.
It kicked me into sorting the small bedroom into a nice office space at least.
I am so tired. Exhausted with MS Teams video calls, missing lifting weights at the gym. I long for walks in the countryside, a coffee in Starbucks, gigs. Instead I spend time wondering what the future will be from the garden patio. I hope it will be a future where we care for humanity more than money and power.
Oh, the Teams calls. I am not a phone person, detest talking on the phone. And now I had to deal with video calls all the time. And a micro managing boss who was also very ‘presenteeism’ so had huge problems with everyone away from his immediate control. Looking back I would have had less mental health challenges and thrived a lot better had I been allowed to take furlough, but I was working on a funded project and we were told no.
I missed the gym, I had been making great strides with my health, was lifting some good weights and all of a sudden that boost for my mental health was also taken away from me. It didn’t help that, due to the aforementioned line manager, I felt I couldn’t be away from my desk so when gym buddies wanted me to join them for walks and socially distanced weight exercises in the park I couldn’t go.
The garden saved some of my mental health though, and the fact we had a lovely summer. I did do some work and meetings from the hammock on the hottest days.
I see the bumbling and blustering from those who are supposed to lead our country, knowing they are putting ideology and economics above caring for the people. Seeing their lack of character when they can’t admit (or refuse to admit) that they have made mistakes. It’s disheartening to know how many have died because of their incompetence.
Oh boy, it just lumbered from disaster to cheating and lying and corruption. So much uncovered since and yet still the people responsible (looking at you and your cronies Boris) are walking around freely and free from shame over what they did.
Life was so full of inequalities before, we cannot go back, we have to find a way forward that treats all life as ‘worthwhile’, and that recognises the value of everyone. And one that cares for the planet instead of plundering it.
And here we are, back again, there were brief rays of hope but, especially it seems, in England and in the USA there are people stoking fear of the ‘other’, capitalism is having one last gasp at using the bodies of its workers into dust. Those workers who actually keep the country clean and moving and healthy have the least respect while rich men (usually old, and white - or orange) are raping the planet and hoarding their wealth and allowing humans to exist in poverty when there is no need for it.
Ten years ago I was unhappily married, five years ago I started a new life alone. This year I begin a PhD (a long-held ambition). In five years I will be a Dr. In ten years … all I know is that wherever I go and whatever I do I will stick to my life goal for many years – do more of what makes you happy.
Not a Dr yet, the plague years and the ex-boss took their toll on my mental health, which also coincided with perimenopause - I’m starting slow steps towards thriving again, but I have learned my lesson and I will not work for a toxic boss who disregards my health and wellbeing, and I will do my utmost to avoid working in environments (open plan offices) which exhaust me physically and mentally.
In five years I hope to be earning at least my main income as a freelance consultant, working 2 or 3 days a week, have my doctorate, be helping other people do good things. Let’s see how it goes.