Diary 12th May 2020
This is not how I thought this year would be, I’d planned holidays and festivals, trips to see friends in the UK and Europe, bought a newer car. And today the holidays are all cancelled and the car sits forlornly in the driveway.
Introverted I may be but this enforced isolation has made depression and anxiety resurface and take over my life. The constant underlying worry of the virus, venturing outside makes it worse in some ways, remembering to keep distant, the subconscious suspicion – do they have it, best keep away. Normally I’m a very tactile person, love hugs, and now there is zero contact with anyone. I’ve been single for 5 years and never felt lonely, but these last few weeks I have felt lonely and alone. I’d love to curl up on the sofa with a friend and listen to music or watch Netflix. But my company is the cat and she has sharp claws.
I watched a YouTube video by Mayim Bialik where she expressed it as – introverts desire alone time, yet we daily interact with people. In normal times. Now we don’t have that interaction so there is no differences. No dark to help us appreciate the light.
Today began, as always, with fresh coffee. It’s a work day so when my watch buzzes at 8am I move from my coffee space to my work space. At 4pm I move from my work space to my relaxing space. I have tried to, at least mentally, divide my home so there’s at least some change between work and play.
I am so tired. Exhausted with MS Teams video calls, missing lifting weights at the gym. I long for walks in the countryside, a coffee in Starbucks, gigs. Instead I spend time wondering what the future will be from the garden patio. I hope it will be a future where we care for humanity more than money and power.
I see the bumbling and blustering from those who are supposed to lead our country, knowing they are putting ideology and economics above caring for the people. Seeing their lack of character when they can’t admit (or refuse to admit) that they have made mistakes. It’s disheartening to know how many have died because of their incompetence.
Life was so full of inequalities before, we cannot go back, we have to find a way forward that treats all life as ‘worthwhile’, and that recognises the value of everyone. And one that cares for the planet instead of plundering it.
Ten years ago I was unhappily married, five years ago I started a new life alone. This year I begin a PhD (a long-held ambition). In five years* I will be a Dr. In ten years … all I know is that wherever I go and whatever I do I will stick to my life goal for many years – do more of what makes you happy.
*not quite, but getting there