Options, decisions, changes

Certain things happened last year which were unexpected and changed the direction I thought I was heading in dramatically and drastically … the repercussions are being enacted this year. I am working through the uncertainty and heartache as I go.

I (re)started therapy late last year and my therapist pointed out something which I had thought to be true but dismissed as me being over dramatic or whatever.

My cortisol levels are off the charts and I need to address this quickly.

Talking with her I realised I don’t relax. I’m constantly self-checking and finding that I’m hunched and tense, I fidget all the time, I can’t even relax in a hot bubble bath like I used to - and this has been going on for years. Reading around it, her diagnosis can explain many other symptoms like inability to sleep, gut problems, easily distracted, doom-scrolling … so many unhealthy things I am doing or experiencing. And much of all this has been exacerbated by the happenings of 2024.

Something has to change.

I know what I desire, I have thought about what I want my future to look like - but actually I need to create that future now. For my health - mental, physical, emotional.

This morning I wrote a list of actions, and I checked my finances because part of recovery will be to change my job. My health cannot sustain what I am having to do, not the job itself because I enjoy that, but the travel, the commute, the demands for working in an open office. And it’s a shame, because this role was so good for my career and I feel challenged in a good way, and I feel I am doing good in the world. But my health is my priority, it has to be.

I’ve realised that I actually could take a reduction of income, a role closer to home will mean less expenses for starters. I have savings I can use if necessary. And I can use the extra time and space to grow my consultancy which, along with my PhD, is a huge desire for my future flourishing.

So, I am looking at the options, making the decisions, moving towards the changes I desire and need so I can live a full and healthy and joyous life.